Author: perfectly her

home

by perfectly herLeave a Comment on home

Home. When you close your eyes, what comes to mind? 

Besides the obvious, at home is where simply put, we feel like we belong and are secure. We want to be loved for who we are, and not what others expect us to be. No matter where you are in the world, it’s consistent. It is important to have a place to call home, it’s what should keep you grounded but what you realize when you don’t have that, you make the best of what you have and find a home. While the process of finding a home is not what many have experienced, in the end, it’s a beautiful process. As we just closed out the holiday season, I think it would be appropriate to skip over some of the story to talk about the complexities of what and where home is for me and how to I have navigated the grey area. 

I touched briefly on the grey areas of my childhood in my last post, and one of the many complexities is where I call home. Being emancipated, and many people picking up the slack was not easy for many reasons, particularly for my brother and sister-in-law.  It was not easy navigating roles and responsibilities because we crossed the bridge into a very complex land. In this land, oftentimes it is not the choice for all parties, but you hold hands and walk united. At the arrival at my brother’s house, it became a safe space to lay down and sleep in a bed that I got to call mine. I still remember the first time, I walked into my room and seeing my beautiful new bedroom set and being told, this is yours, you are home. 

 An excerpt from my brother’s letter to confirm my emancipation to the college I attend, he wrote “Many of the troubles Melissa faced caused her to not want to go home and in turn left her many nights staying at friend’s houses and with teachers… So due to circumstances, we opened our home to Melissa.” He continues, and says “My wife and I provided a roof over Melissa’s head and a place to stay without distractions in hopes of her future success.” And that it did, the house did become a home, but it was not always easy for everyone. I had come from always living in a constant progression of masking the circumstances for survival and looking for ways to escape to accepting I will never have a normal homecoming. 

I am a firm believer in you have to make the best out of your circumstances, but oftentimes when I was younger, I looked to the left and right and tried to mold my situation into “the normal bucket” and it frankly, never will be. To live up to the image of a normal family, relied on looking at others, performing or acting like my situation was similar, or completely blazing over the reality, and then being discouraged when it fell short.  Often times my insecurities of what others deemed my situation made me focus on trying to make it seem as perfectly as I could to avoid shame. In reality, I didn’t know who I was, and where I belonged for a very long time. Am I in the family photo or am I not is the question I would ask myself many times, and to this day still stains my reality.   

As I navigated very complex feelings and emotions, I had to remove the labels, expectations of others, and just be present in the situation. To disguise the reality was only hindering my growth. To look, perform or act as if my situation was similar to a nuclear family of a mother and father raising the child would have me fall short every single time. To be clear, the struggle of fitting in was not envious, it was merely, how do I disguise the situation in order to not be viewed differently.

The real challenge to accepting the status of home was coming back to the drawing table and saying and believing that I am not stained by the fact that I didn’t know where I belonged and to show up in the truth of who I am, wherever I was accepted. Standing firm in this takes practice. The house that was home for many years for me has been my brother’s but it isn’t black or white and has come in waves. The beauty in this was piecing together a home from multiple sources to creating a home in various locations, and thriving in the grey area. Often times when things are removed, even for short periods, there are always things that remain. What has remained throughout every season has been an incredible community rooting me on and providing safe spaces. I am truly thankful for any house that becomes a home, I have been fortunate to have many throughout the years. 

Without these homes, and incredible people, I would not be the person I am today. They have inspired me in so many ways, and have taught me what love and family means. The best part of having multiple homes is choosing what I bring into my home. Each special soul that has opened their home to me, whether it was one day or many years, they are a special part of my becoming journey of perfectly her. If you are one of them reading this, to the times you took me in without questions, thank you!

Until next time, know you are loved. 

XOXO

perfectly her//@mallllyssa

inheritance

by perfectly herLeave a Comment on inheritance

If you know what to do in your circumstance and you know who you are, fundamentally your problems are always solvable. That statement can mean many different things, and I’ll come back to that notion at a later time, but I think that’s a perfect segue to take it way back to the ’90s to set the scene of who I was for you to know who I am becoming even after the story is told.

I was born into a family with three significantly older siblings, and parents on the brink of an inevitable divorce. I ended up being raised in a broken, divorced and very complex blended home where my father had custody, with an absent mother most of my childhood. I grew up quickly and soon realized that where I was, was not going to be where I stayed. The chains of indescribable abuse that was emotionally, physically, sexually, and mentally were not going to hold me captive.

Yes, take a breath, that was a lot to chew. The dysfunction of my upbring stained my childhood in ways I will dissect through the course of my story. Until then, know I was a box checker as a child; I ate my vegetables, mostly got straight A’s, played sports, and did everything I could to survive the abuse from within the house that was supposed to be a home. Many of the survival techniques were useful then, like running from the pain, to never express feelings, and living in a constant path forward rather than paying attention to the reality of circumstances. Also included in these survival techniques but not limited to would be lying to authorities, a community of advocates opening up their home to create a safe environment for the night, even weeks on end, bussing tables at a local restaurant at the age of twelve to pay for necessities, like toothpaste, shampoo and so on and ultimately, emancipating myself. 

I told you to buckle up, we are just getting started! Speaking of started, I started the emancipation process at 14 and ultimately moved in with my older brother, who was in his late 20s and newly married in Southern California, miles away from this reality. While I never went without, even in the midst of what some would consider hell, there was always a way, a constant glimmer of hope and light that I followed. The result of how I grew up is, well simply put, complex. Some things in life are black and white, but it’s not always that simple. Embracing the grey is my motto to process the complexities of the circumstances that even to this day stain my reality. 

The thing about your story; the highs and lows and what seems so ordinary and like nothing to you, is the power of your story.  While I grew up unconventionally, I always had the fundamentals, it just didn’t come from the traditional source. I would not be here if it wasn’t for the unyielding support from countless of people.

While my definition of family is a sweet combination of selfless souls and the reality of circumstances that people are not perfect. It’s truly what you make of it. Think about the notion of inheriting a piece of land. You first assess the land, determine the plan for today and the future, invest in the land, and so on. Well, this piece of land is your family, and the condition of your inheritance differs from person to person due to the unique circumstances of that family, but what threads us all together is the choice to invest in our land. The choice to fertilize the soil, to sometimes cut down and clear out all the junk, but inevitably we build back better. In different seasons, you need to tend to the land accordingly, you can not always be in the planning stage, or construction stage. The beauty in this piece of land is day by day, you can make it better. You have to speak life into your situation and change your what if, to even if’s. You will fall, and although I have fallen many times, made mistakes, I move forward preparing the land so that my future is nothing like my past. The beauty in the inheritance is that with work the value increases and the posture of your heart can change the trajectory of the value. I plan to provide a land to my children and children’s children that is a deep-rooted loving garden of life, surrendered to the process. 

You read a part of my story that has been sanitized by healing. Congrats, you have successfully scratched the surface of my story, but as I said, we are just getting started. I will in future posts break down the complexities of the story and/or continue with the story. Yes, there is so much more. While the vulnerability of my story might fester emotions as you read whether because you experienced something similar or know someone, please know that it does get better. If you don’t know what to do, take it day by day, and soon you will see growth and transformation in your situation. I might have a cheat code, so reach out and I’ll share it with you.

I’ll leave you with three words that help me determine my next steps no matter the circumstances: relieve, recover, restructure. 

Until next time, know you are loved. 

XOXO 

perfectly her//@mallllyssa

her story

by perfectly her1 Comment on her story

Perfectly her isn’t so perfect, but rather confident, strong, determined, resilient, and most importantly perfectly me.

As I sit here writing my first post, I would reminisce if I didn’t start by taking you on a journey of why tell my story, and why in the world a blog. Perfectly her came about a little over four years ago. Yes, four years ago. I had just been rear-ended literally but also by life and was in recovery mode.  I’ll save the details for another day related to the recovery aspect of my journey, but it was because of this that I was sitting in my therapist’s office. During this time, we were walking through the events that led up to, truly one of the most defining aspects of my life. This is when I realized that due to the established templates to survive these circumstances, I guarded my heart and most importantly my story to just about everyone. While I do think you guarding your heart is healthy, you don’t need to stonewall your tribe. For my tribe that is reading this, I can’t thank you enough. You are patient, kind, and I love you dearly. 

As I sat on the couch, I said to her that not one person knew the extend of what I had walked through in its entirety. Yes, some knew pieces and others were smart enough to put some pieces together, but I had never been forthcoming with the entire story. When I was forthcoming with pieces, it was very surface level, or I deflected to talk about them. Truly it’s a skill, it’s like let’s flip the question you are asking me and reverse the conversation as quickly as possible. 

My therapist was baffled at the notion that not one person knew every season and challenged me to bring my dearest people up to speed. I wasn’t afraid to tell my story; it was more I didn’t allow the circumstances to define me and to slow down long enough to do so rang the anxiety hotline. When I would share, many reactions resulted in therapist sessions for themselves to unpack what they just heard, complete shock and being consoled which was not received fully because I was so far removed from that reality.

 Life is truly not what happens to us, but what we make of it, and before I go further, just know that you too can be a victor, not a victim but there is a healthy way to process and not junk what occurred like I did for so long. The beautiful thing about recovery and life is it’s always a mosaic, a paradox, a constant struggle to build, make better, recover, try again, and keep going. It’s a never-ending push and pull against the forces of circumstances, but we do have a choice on how to respond. 

As the challenge was heavy on my heart, I decided to begin writing my story and I would house it on a blog, and I would give access to the story when I felt it was time.  This allowed for a smooth transition to give access but not slow down every time it was necessary. So perfectly her came about and well, here I am writing my first post four years later and totally not how I planned. My heart shifted throughout the years, circumstances occurred, and I can confidently tell you that I have shared many aspects of my story, if not all of my story to my tribe. It’s has been heavy on my heart in this season to revisit perfectly her and begin to give full access to you, whomever you are, so you too can see the beauty of the transformation in my life and seek it for yourself. 

My purpose for perfectly her is simple, to tell my story. Whatever is cultivated through simply that will be so special to me. So buckle up, I have no idea what I am doing but I do know it’s going to be an amazing journey of growth and transformation for me, and maybe you too! 

Until next time, if you are reading this, know that you are loved.

XOXO,

perfectly her//@mallllyssa