home

Home. When you close your eyes, what comes to mind? 

Besides the obvious, at home is where simply put, we feel like we belong and are secure. We want to be loved for who we are, and not what others expect us to be. No matter where you are in the world, it’s consistent. It is important to have a place to call home, it’s what should keep you grounded but what you realize when you don’t have that, you make the best of what you have and find a home. While the process of finding a home is not what many have experienced, in the end, it’s a beautiful process. As we just closed out the holiday season, I think it would be appropriate to skip over some of the story to talk about the complexities of what and where home is for me and how to I have navigated the grey area. 

I touched briefly on the grey areas of my childhood in my last post, and one of the many complexities is where I call home. Being emancipated, and many people picking up the slack was not easy for many reasons, particularly for my brother and sister-in-law.  It was not easy navigating roles and responsibilities because we crossed the bridge into a very complex land. In this land, oftentimes it is not the choice for all parties, but you hold hands and walk united. At the arrival at my brother’s house, it became a safe space to lay down and sleep in a bed that I got to call mine. I still remember the first time, I walked into my room and seeing my beautiful new bedroom set and being told, this is yours, you are home. 

 An excerpt from my brother’s letter to confirm my emancipation to the college I attend, he wrote “Many of the troubles Melissa faced caused her to not want to go home and in turn left her many nights staying at friend’s houses and with teachers… So due to circumstances, we opened our home to Melissa.” He continues, and says “My wife and I provided a roof over Melissa’s head and a place to stay without distractions in hopes of her future success.” And that it did, the house did become a home, but it was not always easy for everyone. I had come from always living in a constant progression of masking the circumstances for survival and looking for ways to escape to accepting I will never have a normal homecoming. 

I am a firm believer in you have to make the best out of your circumstances, but oftentimes when I was younger, I looked to the left and right and tried to mold my situation into “the normal bucket” and it frankly, never will be. To live up to the image of a normal family, relied on looking at others, performing or acting like my situation was similar, or completely blazing over the reality, and then being discouraged when it fell short.  Often times my insecurities of what others deemed my situation made me focus on trying to make it seem as perfectly as I could to avoid shame. In reality, I didn’t know who I was, and where I belonged for a very long time. Am I in the family photo or am I not is the question I would ask myself many times, and to this day still stains my reality.   

As I navigated very complex feelings and emotions, I had to remove the labels, expectations of others, and just be present in the situation. To disguise the reality was only hindering my growth. To look, perform or act as if my situation was similar to a nuclear family of a mother and father raising the child would have me fall short every single time. To be clear, the struggle of fitting in was not envious, it was merely, how do I disguise the situation in order to not be viewed differently.

The real challenge to accepting the status of home was coming back to the drawing table and saying and believing that I am not stained by the fact that I didn’t know where I belonged and to show up in the truth of who I am, wherever I was accepted. Standing firm in this takes practice. The house that was home for many years for me has been my brother’s but it isn’t black or white and has come in waves. The beauty in this was piecing together a home from multiple sources to creating a home in various locations, and thriving in the grey area. Often times when things are removed, even for short periods, there are always things that remain. What has remained throughout every season has been an incredible community rooting me on and providing safe spaces. I am truly thankful for any house that becomes a home, I have been fortunate to have many throughout the years. 

Without these homes, and incredible people, I would not be the person I am today. They have inspired me in so many ways, and have taught me what love and family means. The best part of having multiple homes is choosing what I bring into my home. Each special soul that has opened their home to me, whether it was one day or many years, they are a special part of my becoming journey of perfectly her. If you are one of them reading this, to the times you took me in without questions, thank you!

Until next time, know you are loved. 

XOXO

perfectly her//@mallllyssa