If you know what to do in your circumstance and you know who you are, fundamentally your problems are always solvable. That statement can mean many different things, and I’ll come back to that notion at a later time, but I think that’s a perfect segue to take it way back to the ’90s to set the scene of who I was for you to know who I am becoming even after the story is told.
I was born into a family with three significantly older siblings, and parents on the brink of an inevitable divorce. I ended up being raised in a broken, divorced and very complex blended home where my father had custody, with an absent mother most of my childhood. I grew up quickly and soon realized that where I was, was not going to be where I stayed. The chains of indescribable abuse that was emotionally, physically, sexually, and mentally were not going to hold me captive.
Yes, take a breath, that was a lot to chew. The dysfunction of my upbring stained my childhood in ways I will dissect through the course of my story. Until then, know I was a box checker as a child; I ate my vegetables, mostly got straight A’s, played sports, and did everything I could to survive the abuse from within the house that was supposed to be a home. Many of the survival techniques were useful then, like running from the pain, to never express feelings, and living in a constant path forward rather than paying attention to the reality of circumstances. Also included in these survival techniques but not limited to would be lying to authorities, a community of advocates opening up their home to create a safe environment for the night, even weeks on end, bussing tables at a local restaurant at the age of twelve to pay for necessities, like toothpaste, shampoo and so on and ultimately, emancipating myself.
I told you to buckle up, we are just getting started! Speaking of started, I started the emancipation process at 14 and ultimately moved in with my older brother, who was in his late 20s and newly married in Southern California, miles away from this reality. While I never went without, even in the midst of what some would consider hell, there was always a way, a constant glimmer of hope and light that I followed. The result of how I grew up is, well simply put, complex. Some things in life are black and white, but it’s not always that simple. Embracing the grey is my motto to process the complexities of the circumstances that even to this day stain my reality.
The thing about your story; the highs and lows and what seems so ordinary and like nothing to you, is the power of your story. While I grew up unconventionally, I always had the fundamentals, it just didn’t come from the traditional source. I would not be here if it wasn’t for the unyielding support from countless of people.
While my definition of family is a sweet combination of selfless souls and the reality of circumstances that people are not perfect. It’s truly what you make of it. Think about the notion of inheriting a piece of land. You first assess the land, determine the plan for today and the future, invest in the land, and so on. Well, this piece of land is your family, and the condition of your inheritance differs from person to person due to the unique circumstances of that family, but what threads us all together is the choice to invest in our land. The choice to fertilize the soil, to sometimes cut down and clear out all the junk, but inevitably we build back better. In different seasons, you need to tend to the land accordingly, you can not always be in the planning stage, or construction stage. The beauty in this piece of land is day by day, you can make it better. You have to speak life into your situation and change your what if, to even if’s. You will fall, and although I have fallen many times, made mistakes, I move forward preparing the land so that my future is nothing like my past. The beauty in the inheritance is that with work the value increases and the posture of your heart can change the trajectory of the value. I plan to provide a land to my children and children’s children that is a deep-rooted loving garden of life, surrendered to the process.
You read a part of my story that has been sanitized by healing. Congrats, you have successfully scratched the surface of my story, but as I said, we are just getting started. I will in future posts break down the complexities of the story and/or continue with the story. Yes, there is so much more. While the vulnerability of my story might fester emotions as you read whether because you experienced something similar or know someone, please know that it does get better. If you don’t know what to do, take it day by day, and soon you will see growth and transformation in your situation. I might have a cheat code, so reach out and I’ll share it with you.
I’ll leave you with three words that help me determine my next steps no matter the circumstances: relieve, recover, restructure.
Until next time, know you are loved.
XOXO
perfectly her//@mallllyssa
perfectly her 